45, WHO ME??

Well tomorrow is my 45th birthday. I have this overwhelming need to sort things. I feel like this is a new begining. It is some what alarming to feel this way since I cant put a finger on the reason for this sudden urge to simplify. I just know I need to eliminate the clutter and the unused. I need less stuff all of a sudden. And I sure as hell dont want any stuff that is so so, I only want the things that make me happy or fit nice or make me look good when I wear them. I have spent the first 44.99 years getting stuff, now I feel like I dont need so much of it. Pretty confusing and comforting all at once.

I had this brilliant idea the other day to start saving a dollar a day starting on my birthday, then I decided that I should save 2, one for me one for some charity. Then on my birthday next year I will give that gift to a charity as a birthday gift. The odd thing was Saturday I am watching TV and they are talking about how not to be broke. Now these days for me that is a tough one. But they said save a buck a day for 4 months then 2 a day for 4 months then 5 a day for 4 months, at the end of the year you will have around 1000.00. I was blown away it was like some confirmation that my idea was a good one and that the Universe was saying " Go ahead I approve". So I start tomorrow. I am a bit worried that I will not be able to do the 5 a day but I am not gonna let that stop me after all God said go. At the end of the year if I have done the deed as promised. Then I will split it and give half to a charity. I will let you know how it is working for me as I go.

I have loved my birthday all my life, even now as I face the 45 number. Maybe because it is on June 1, a sign of summer to me, maybe because I share it with my Dad, and he shares it with his Uncle. It just seems like a magic day. I looked up June 1 events. Two states I love became states in the union on June 1, Tennessee and Kentucky. Marilyn Monroe celebrated her birthday on June 1, as does Morgan Freeman and Pat Boone. Looking at the lists many actors writers and musicians share my birthday, guess I missed my calling.

Some Birthdays naturally feel better than others. Some are ho hum, nothing special and others seem huge. I have not had a huge one in years. Maybe it is the big build up in my mind that makes them feel great when one turns out better than others. I can remember my 4th like it was yesterday. I was at my birth Grandmother's home in Battle Creek, Michigan, (my mother was adopted), I can remember being so excited. I knew what I was getting because I always wanted the same thing every year. New Cowboy boots and a Levi Jacket. What more could a girl want? I remember standing in the kitchen of the house it was a gally kitchen across the back of the house and the flooring was that black linoleum tile with multi color flecks, it seemed like birthday tile because of the multi color flecks, like someone put it down just in celebration of my birthday. I was so filled with anticipation I could not stand it. The cake would be served soon I cold not wait, then the gifts. The cake was white with pink color iceing even though it was for my dad too. The boots were black Acme boots with the cut out starburst shaft that had color inlay. Everything was perfect.

As I got older I learned that you have to be careful of that big build up in your mind, cause it can make for a BIG let down too. That seems to be the way of things as we get older. Last year was a huge let down. I waited all day to do something, waited for my boyfriend to take me to dinner or even for a ride or surprise me with some well thought out event, then nothing. No cake, no surprise, no nothing. I guess I don't understand that cause you only have those birthdays once your only 30 or 40 or 45 once in a life time. It should be noteable, shouldn't it? Well before I make us all depressed. I am hoping for something soul satisfying and wonderful to happen this year. I hope to spend some quality time with my horses and accomplish some riding. I hope for a cake at least, I would love to go out to dinner. Although, all the while I am trying hard to avoid the build it up in my mind this year and trying not to make a big deal out of things, I still cant help but wonder why I feel such excitement and such a need to streamline my life, my home and my belongings. This Birthday is kinda getting the build up without my help. I wonder if this is that magic thing I hear from women when they talk about the 40's. They say" Oh 40's are wonderful, you know what you want and where your going, and you know how to get there". Maybe this is that magic thing begining to take place and it actually happens exactly on the day of your 45 th birthday? When I wake up tomorrow will I suddenly know the answers to all the questions about life that I have had up until now? Is this my big surprise, is that the big event?? Oh, I better settle down its not my Birthday yet!